I Need You Like A Heart Needs A Beat

It's nice to feel fine again.
It's nice to know that I'll be fine again.
It's nice to stand up again.
:D

california's sunshine =)

Omg, I am finally home.

It feels so good to be home; it feels so safe to be home. It feels so good to get away with everything for now.

It's not like my heart doesn't ache, it's not like I did well on my finals, it's not like my father is not going to be an ass, but you know, at least, it's home, it's where I am the safest, where I can protect myself from getting hurt, where I can trust everybody with my heart. Every time I think how he's with her, my heart just breaks into little pieces even more, I don't want to think about it, but I can't stop thinking about it.

But at least, I'm home...I never knew I could miss California so much, I never knew I could miss the sunshine so much, I never knew I could miss my home so much, I never knew I could miss my mom so much...

Emily was right, at the end, no matter how nice he is, I still couldn't trust him with my heart. It was the niceness that killed me. Right now, I'm so tired... I am so broken,.. I guess I just want to sleep, and wake up to realize that this is all a dream, and to know that everything is fine. But everything is NOT fine; they are GOING to be fine, but they are not fine right now... I am NOT fine, but I know I WILL be fine, but just not right now. I don't know what you can do, or what I can do...there's nothing that can be done, I just need to be... Maybe in seven weeks, I will be fine, but just not right now....

So I haven't been on this thing for over a year, and I was never gonna write one this thing again, until I read Maria's journal. It made a difference. I think.

So I have complained so much about Troy High School, about how I will never, ever ever go back to that school ever again; how I hated everything in that school and about that school; how I hated every subject and every teacher...maybe not EVERY teacher, but most of them were so difficult. Then I came to college, I came to a place I knew nothing about, a place that I don't really care about; a place that doesn't care about me; a place where I care about no one; a place where no one cares about me. It suddenly feels like Troy wasn't too bad. Yes, the courses were hard; yes, the tests were unreasonable; yes, we had to pull all nighters 24/7, but at least I wasn't alone. No one was alone. We had different groups, so what? The point is we HAD groups. Here in this so called college, where I am always surrounded by people, but I feel more lonely than ever.

Maybe it just takes time, you know? Maybe time will do me well. But the thing is...how long is it gonna take?

I miss home more than I thought I would. I miss those people more than they'll never know.

so i have a physics test today, and i yes im screwed...

why cant b one of smart kids that dont have to study and get A's ...

maybe i shud do my hw next time everyday..

sat on saturday..w00t..

i find myself sitting here, and can't get my mind off him..i tried.. i'll try harder..

--lorry

skool has started..sucks as usualy